Who I Am
by Kalus
Summary: "I've never even told you my name...my name is..." A short fic about EVA from a completely different point of view. Not from the pilots or the Angels but the people who don't even have a name but a number. The faceless workers of NERV.


AUTHOR'S NOTE: Does every new character need to be an EVA pilot? Doubtful. An SI that might as well have really existed in the EVA universe. Especially dedicated to the cast of EVA that got little to no screen time at all.

DISCLAIMER: The characters are mine…generic as they are. EVA belongs to Gainax and ultimately the ages. Pick one.

Who I Am… 

I am fifteen years old. I was born approximately two months after the world turned to hell and Second Impact changed everything…even a reason to exist. My mother died giving birth…and my father was taken off life support after being diagnosed terminally ill from massive cerebral hemorrhage and seizure.

I was to be the next pilot for an EVA…

And if you believe that, you must be crazy. 

I am not a pilot yet you'll see me next to an EVA all the time… and I do have a specially tailored NERV uniform…the problem is that you're not looking in the right direction. I'm near the torso area…perhaps holding a blowtorch. Or a wrench. Or nothing.

I could have a name. It might be Erin, or Phil, or Sue…it doesn't matter. I do have a number however. It's tagged on my NERV security card…1023…my security clearance just barely clears me from getting shot when I punch in the time card at the end of my ten-hour shift. 

My official title is technical engineer of EVA model 00. Or that's the title I made up for myself if I ever survive long enough to apply to college. I doubt I'll make it even that far though…I don't even have enough time to go to school anymore. My life revolves around looking up at a machine that always seems to be looking somewhere else.

I saw the pilot of EVA-00 once…and I fell in love. 

Then I understood a fine conception called reality. Instead of helping the blue-haired albino get off the entry plug, I turned away and began forensic checks on the hull stress integrity. In other words, I waited to receive a print out sheet from my superior so I could run it down to maintenance crew.

You might wonder what a kid like me is doing here…don't bother, it's easier to just look at it at at face value. I've forgotten the reason. My impact on the EVA project is minimal. My rank is almost nonexistent. I am so expendable, the last time I checked my life insurance report, I was barely worth over fifty American dollars. 

The closest I have ever gotten to Misato Katsurugi is when she knocked me out of the way to make sure Ikari Shinji was all right. 

It didn't matter on that day, my co-worker…I think his name was Seta…was buried alive in a collapsed hallway due to EVA-00 going berserk during the sync tests and tearing half the pen into ashes. No one remembered him. The pilot was safe. Who would remember?

I didn't. 

And no one blamed the hero of the battle for his death. 

Cause I didn't.

Shaking my head, I placed the facemask over my head and resumed welding the surface armor to the secondary plates. The last Angel battle had ravaged the entire GeoFront and collapsed most of the launching pens. Eva 00 had to be stored somewhere else…which meant it was none of my business.

I had been redirected to the maintenance crews of EVA 01 to correct lower abdominal incongruities. There was a standing joke among all the crewmembers. The lower on the Eva's body you got to work on, the lower in rank you were. It brought a smile to my face. Imagine me…working on the head of the EVA. Lots of prestige there eh?

 "1023! Break in an hour."

I turned the blowtorch off with a flick of my thumb and waved back to my supervisor, Iwada-san. He was all the way on the shoulder. If I was lucky, I would be up there soon…there would be less chance I would be crushed if the underground room ever caved in. "Yes sir! I'm almost done!"

Setting the torch down, I sighed and sat down on the precarious edge of the catwalk. This was my life…I received five thousand yen a day…and the sort of good feeling at knowing I was doing my part in saving the world. I was in every way as important as the pilots…I…

I was lying to myself.

***

I needed a new home. That black ball angel with stripes had taken my small apartment down its…err…shadow I guess. The official report we got was a massive gas leak. I wonder whom they're trying to fool. NERV promised me adequate facilities and recompose for emotional damage, which meant I'd better find a new house quick or lying in the street was the only option left.

I saw that boy Ikari Shinji literally get dragged out of the entry plug half alive. Two others and me were assigned to clean the plug…lets just say blood wasn't all that it smelled like. I suppose in some ways, his life was far riskier than mine. During Angel Attacks, I had the relative safety of the concentration camp…no…I'm sorry…they're officially called internment shelters.

Half ventilated, half lighted holes where the sounds of hell can be heard right above you. Four walls and a ceiling that might just start cracking any moment…and the knowledge that someone was wetting his pants at the moment and it might have been me.

The Major seemed so relieved to see the boy alive. Even the First Child who's EVA I had spent countless hours maintaining seemed in a lighter mood. I approached her afterwards.

Walking up to her, I gave her a genial smile and handed her a towel. "Here you go miss."

She glanced at me for a half second and absentmindedly took it from my hands as she began walking towards the lockers. 

It was the first time I made eye contact with her. Heh…lots of memories to tell the grandchildren…right?

I wondered who would miss me if I were dying.

A sharp elbow in my ribs alerted me to the second Child's presence. Fixing me with a skeptical scowl, she asked, "A bit young to be working here aren't you? I've never seen you around." Funny…I had been in NERV longer than her. She roughly checked my tag and motioned toward her EVA. "Hey, the cover plating for my 02 is still cracked. When are you guys going to get around to fixing it?" She growled slightly as she glared at the general vicinity of Misato. "Or is the precious hero Shinji getting all the attention again?"

I stammered in reply, "I'm sorry ma'am. You'll need to talk to my supervisor…Mr. Iwada. I only take care of maintenance."

The red head groaned miserably as she sighed. "Great. Another grunt. All the help I get." Snapping her fingers she held out a hand, "Are you going to hand me a towel or are you going to leave me soaking wet here?" Grabbing the towel from my grudgingly outstretched hand she turned away, "I save the world and I can't even expect my EVA to get fixed. What kind of help are you guys anyway? All you do is sit back and relax while we get the crap beaten out of us on top."

How I didn't deck her at that moment…I will regret for a long time. It was bad enough that the First Child didn't give crap whether I was alive or not, it got worse that the Second would probably give commentary to my grave. But she was a pilot…she had the right to say everything. 

What could I say in return that could vindicate me?

Picking up the wrench from the ground, it became very clear…perfectly clear even… to me…what I was. I was living a sham. A number…Walking away and sitting on the cakewalk, I started laughing. The GeoFront was so expansive, my voice didn't even echo. But I laughed nonetheless…I laughed so hard because I realized it had taken me this long to understand.

They gave me the day off…and a free trip to the psychologist. I never went…and NERV didn't ask any questions.

I went home, threw myself on the slightly damp covers of my bed and thought to myself how badly I wanted to wake up. 

The Angel Alarm forced me to my senses. I didn't even know what was attacking me… what I was so afraid of. All I did was drag myself up and find the closest Angel shelter. I met one of my co-workers there…and we played a game of chess.

The King has fallen…

Long live the King.

***

Mr. Iwada died this morning. He fell off the shoulder of the EVA he was working on and broke his neck.

I guess I was lucky after all wasn't I?

***

I woke up that morning with an IV stuck to my arm and a cast on my other arm and right leg. I recognized the ceiling…I should have. I had visited a lot of people here, in this infirmary…but this was my first time here. It was oddly comforting…like anytime I could close my eyes and I would be dead.

I had barely kept from being buried alive.

I was inside the GeoFront when the Angel broke through the entire defense barrier and met an equally berserk EVA-01. I had the misfortune…or fortune of being situated at the launching pens at that moment. The shelter I was supposed to go to had been wiped out by EVA-00 igniting an N2 mine barely two blocks from it. NERV needed help launching EVA-00 and EVA-02 to combat the threat so I was there doing my part.

It came without warning. We were taking our midway break when suddenly the left wall exploded and two barreling monsters tore their way at us. I can never…never erase that from my memory. Clouds of dust distorting my vision…the screams and cries of men and woman caught in the fray trying to make their way out. The groans coming from the Eva's mouth and the strange…hideous…almost cow-like visage of the Angel. Like the ram of Satan.

I could see two workers hanging from the side of the catwalk, begging for help before they lost their grip and plummeted below. An old grizzled man…we kept him from working too much but he had insisted on helping with the launching procedures got caught and dragged down. I vaguely felt someone pulling me to my feet and pulling me away from the carnage. We had almost made it when we heard Misato scream over the PA to launch the EVA and the Angel out of the GeoFront.

The stress from launching made half the room cave in. All I felt was a push on my back before I felt a short sharp shock on my hip and my vision went black.

No one had cared that there were still people down there. When they launched the EVA, there were at least thirty people still trying to make their way out of the pens. Out of those thirty, I am the only one who survived with reparable injuries. Two others were paralyzed for life and they dug out another woman the next day. She was pregnant and needed this job to pay for her baby.

Not even the unborn have the chance to live.

My hip needed to be replaced with a titanium joint…and I needed three blood transfusions to keep me conscious from the constant hemorrhage in my gut. I would wake up and black out so many times…I thought I was in Nirvana.

Afterwards, I was promoted to chief mechanical engineer of EVA model 00. My first job was to direct cleanup crews on the 00 pen. I found the man I had played chess with the previous Angel Attack. 

I carefully tucked his security card in the return envelope and arranged to have his remains sent home. 

Somebody…anybody out there…save us.

***

The next few weeks passed in a blur. Most of the damage was done outside the GeoFront so the mortality rate down in the pens decreased dramatically. EVA-02 was brought back down today. The pilot…the red head…the one I had so wanted to smack…was safe…or what was left of her mind.

She was stark, raving insane…I don't know what happened to her. It was an easy day that day…the Eva's weren't damaged so overall the mission was an overwhelming success. We actually had the gall to cheer.

How insensitive…how cold have I become?

EVA-00…my responsibility…didn't make it back after dealing with her Angel. Even from inside the GeoFront, we felt the massive shockwave of something exploding. The beautiful blue haired pilot was officially listed as Deceased.

All our priorities were moved to EVA-01. I started work on the facial plate armor and helmet. I'm on top of the world.

Funny…even when I'm all the way up here, the eyes of the EVA still don't look my direction. They looked everywhere but at me. 

***

Third Impact almost happened today. The seventeenth Angel made it all the way to the Central Dogma before Ikari Shinji and EVA-01 stopped him. The Angel was a human…a boy just like me.

I had seen him when I was down in the pens. He had the whitest shock of hair I have ever seen…and eerie red eyes. But he smiled. 

How could anyone smile?

I could hear Shinji's screaming over the PA. That boy…he is strong. 

That night, we had a huge party in the worker's lounge. Ignoring my age, these two blue-collar workers forced a can of Yebisu down my throat as I laughed and vainly tried to keep from fainting. Tools were discarded; hands that were so used to repairing an EVA now only hoisted alcohol and cheap snacks into the air.

Word had it that that was the last Angel. It was over! My head was almost swimming as I smiled at the people next to me and attempted to digest what that meant. We were alive…we had a chance to live now! Flubbing the phrases and not caring, we sang bawdy drinking songs as the female workers blushed and cheered along with us.

Ever since that disaster in the holding pens…we had all secretly thought we would never survive up to this time. But…by god…we were alive. Every single one of us!

I made plans with this seventeen-year-old girl, Yumi, to move into an apartment with her in Tokyo-2. We both wanted out of here and we figured it would be easier to pay for rent and food if we worked together. I would finish up high school and get a part time job while she would attend the local college and get a full time once she received her bachelors. I had saved up a decent amount and she was planning to major in pre-med. We were actually arguing with another female coworker who had overheard us and began complaining that we were living in sin. 

It was the most…surreal moment of my life. 

I was going to live.

***

Those bastards killed Yumi right in front of my eyes. I had already taken a bullet to the stomach and shoulder and she was trying to drag me away so she could dress my wounds. Two black-fatigued men with guns raced into the corner and spotted her.

Raising her hands in surrender and abject fear, she let go of my collar and with wide eyes, looked at them. The first shot blew out the back of her head. I could distantly see the blood stain on the wall as she toppled over my body with her face streaming blood and half her temple missing. I could see how with her last breath, she looked into my eyes and with a last horrid breath…with her eyes completely dilated…died in front of me.

I couldn't even scream. I couldn't even move.

The asshole wasn't satisfied. Walking up to her corpse, he placed a heavy boot on her shoulder and fired two slugs into her back. They must have thought I was dead because they seemed satisfied and walked on.

How long I laid there…I didn't know. I distantly heard screaming and explosions in the background. I couldn't think…and my eyesight was growing faint as blood trickled through my fingers.

Why had no one warned us? We were simply men and women who had worked here to eke out a survival in this dilapidated city. We knew nothing of EVA except on how to keep it clean and working…we didn't have any information or rank that made us important. The screams and the death…they were of defenseless innocent people who had dreams…plans…

No one had ever warned us this would happen. Our enemies were the Angels…why were humans the ones killing us? WHY! GODDAMMIT! SOMEBODY TELL ME!

Why? Why didn't anyone worry about us? Why were our deaths so inconsequential? Who was going to be there to save us?

I heard Misato Katsurugi's voice over the PA. Her voice sounded hurried and I could almost sense the tension in her voice. "All personnel move to section B and E. Lock down all areas with Bakelite injection! Repeat, lock down all areas…"

Almost immediately, a wave of red Bakelite began running through the halls and flooding the rooms. Security doors shut down and alarm claxons blared red, warning all personnel to escape the flood.

It was useless…they wouldn't have started the injection this soon if they didn't think everyone was already dead. As I felt the sticky, thick solution seeping under me and around me…I looked at the ceiling and wondered…what could have been.

I distantly saw my security card float away on the sea of Bakelite and Yumi's body get pushed away from me as I knew I was going to die. I would have cried…I would have tried to run…except I had lost too much blood and my leg failed to move. I didn't want to die…I didn't want to end like this. 

I am human. I feel these fears…Somebody…I beg of you…don't let me die…

I've never even told you my name…my name is…

And you know I don't mean to hurt you… 

_But you know what that means to my heart…_

_And you don't even feel or care…_

I am falling… 

_I am fading…_

_I have lost it all…Help me to breathe…_

_                                    - Duvet._

_~**Owari**~_


End file.
